Thursday 24 June 2010
Even Men With Steel Hearts Love a Dog on the Pitch
Yep, it's the germans again, but it will be different this time - won't it?
England were better, but that isn't saying a lot, even so the performance in this match would easily have been enough to beat Algeria and probably USA so by being utter shite in the opening two matches means England now go into unarguably the hardest half of the draw and will now need to battle past not just Germany but probably Argentina and Spain just to get to the semi-finals, their own fault though.
USA top the group with a last minute winner from Landon Donovan who then started blarting like the
that he is.
As for the Germans, well they don't look all that much to me, they seem to have gained some flair from somewhere but in doing so lost some of that ruthless efficiency and defensive stoutness that you would normally characterise them with. England have a chance you know.
Serbia might count themselves unlucky not to have got the draw against the Sheilaroos that would have taken them through, two goals disallowed and then a handball against Cahill that looked blatant but was waved away. Before that though Australia were briefly dreaming of the four goal turnaround that would have seen them through.
In tomorrows games, Paraquat only need a draw against the sheep botherers to guarantee going through and we will all be cheering on Slovakia so that Italy go out won't we?
And in group E it's winner takes all between Denmark and Japan.
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Sonia Lannaman Sleeps With the Fishes Tonight
Shame about France though eh? A real shame.
In Group B Greece's 9-0-1 formation makes them officially the most boring bastards in the World Cup 2010, narrowly pipping Switzerland and England. They were easily beaten by Argentina who, bless 'em, look very good.
As predicted (and it's not often I've been able to say that so far!) South Korea took the other place but Nigeria made them fight all the way and if Yakubu hadn't missed an absolute sitter they may have been representing Africa in round two.
Right. On we go.
A superb, swashbucling England performance full of pride, passion and belief with every player giving his all in a performance to gladden the heart of every true Englishman......
Well that's what we got from our Rugby players and cricketers over the last few days but I very much fucking doubt we'll see much of it at 3pm.
Yes I know the bloke above is actually Irish but we take them from wherever we can get them these days!
But we live in hope and now that it's well and truly make or break I suspect that England will do enough, it might not be pretty but we'll get there.
I also think that USA will beat Algeria and go through, a great day for US Soccerball.
There is a small chance that both ourselves and USA could finish level on points, GD and goals scored, in which case we would have to draw lots, how fantastic would that be?!
I assume that in the evening we are all Ghana fans? If they beat Germany it probably puts the Boxheads out, which would be very, very funny.
Enjoy your sickies England fans, your boss already knows.
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Rattling Bags of Calcium - Group A and B Deciders
Group A
France v South Africa
Mexico v Uruguay
Well, the simple scenario, and the one I fully expect to happen, is that if Mexico and Uruguay draw then they both go through, I don't really think we're going to get a full-blooded cracker here!
If one team does win out of those two then it leaves the door just the tiniest bit ajar for France or South Africa. But unfortunately the hosts are truly awful and France are hilariously in complete disarray!
Group B
Greece v Argentina
Nigeria v South Korea
Argentina are all but through and I don't expect them to slip up against a mediocre Greece side in any case.
South Korea have impressed me and will beat Nigeria to claim the other place.
Monday 21 June 2010
On an Easy Par Four, Within Ear Shot of Your Revolutionary Foldaway Drum - Missed One! And a review of yeaterday.
Give the win to Honduras, it will go with every other prediction that has been utterly wrong!
Anyhow, yesterday saw Paraguay beat Slovakia to top their group because Italy are matching England and France (and others) for being shite as they could only draw with Italy.
Brazil have qualified easily though, they beat Ivory Coast with relative ease.
Right, now, what to do about the final group games?
I think I'll play this pretty straight and do a reasonably normal(!) preview with my own opinions (rather than Billy Joel's) on who I think will qualify for the knockout stages. There may be a twist or two, I'll decide that tonight when I do the Group A & B final games.
I bet you can't wait can you?
Sunday 20 June 2010
Twmpa Twmpa, You're Gonna eed a Jumper - WC 2010 Day 11 Preview
Game 30 - Portugal v North Korea
VPortugal will be represented by: "Lawrence of Arabia", British Beatlemania
North Korea will be represented by: Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Ole Miss?? What the blinking flipping fuck are you on about Joel? Ole Miss what? Ah fuck him. Lawrence of Arabia was okay I suppose. 1-0
"What's your favourite Beatles album Alan?" "Well I would have to say...The Best of the Beatles."
So John Glenn went into space, so what, he didn't inspire a Partridge quote did he?
2-0
Game 31 - China v Switzerland
China will be represented by: Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex
Which is all well and good but fairly pointless because the Swiss have -
Switzerland will be represented by: JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say
So as far as Joel says, there is nothing more to say, well fuck it then. 0-1, game over.
Oh Joy! I Love the Internet.
Every bit as funny as the origin of vuvuzelas, but for a whole different reason, welcome to the new Facebook group:
No England Shits in pubs is just a rumour
Apparently, according to the description,
"Police have confirmed that the rumour on england flags in pubs is 'nonsence'"
Come Blow Your Vuvuleza!
It's time you knew the true origin of the vuvuleza, and why so many people just love to blow them:
A Proud Moment.
Saturday 19 June 2010
I want to Meet Howard Marks if I can - World Cup 2010 Day 10 Preview.
V
Slovakia will be represented by: Buddy Holly, "Ben Hur", space monkey, Mafia
Paraguay will be represented by: Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
I like Hula Hoops, especially the beef flavour, okay so that daft bugger Joel was almost certainly on about the pointless things that you, err, what exactly can you do with a fucking hula hoop? Buddy Holly wrote some great tunes. 1-0
Ben Hur was a tedious film that happened to have a chariot race, Castro was another commie. This obsession with communists and baseball is very boring Billy. Ben Hur shades it. 2-0
Space Monkey?? I assume this is a reference to the monkeys that NASA and others sent up in space for the wholly admirable reason that they wanted to know what would happen if they sent a monkey into space. Edsel was the car that Ford couldn't sell. No one scores. 2-0
Game 27 - Slovakia win
Game 28 - Italy v New Zealand
V
Italy will be represented by: U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
New Zealand wil be represented by: Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo
Chubby Checker was a prolific singer/songwriter who must have been totally pissed off with everybody shouting "Do The Twist" at his concerts. His pleas of "But I wrote hundreds of songs, can I just sing something from my new album?" falling on deaf ears every time. Bono is a cunt. (Yes I know Joel is on about the spy plane but any excuse to call Bono a cunt must be used. 0-1
Syngman Rhee was the first president of South Korea (yep Korea again, I never realised how shit these lyrics actually are, I will NEVER listen to this osng again). Psycho is a classic. 0-2
Payola is something to do with giving radio stations money in exchange for airplay I think, maybe Joel snuck this in there because he did it! The Belgians were no worse in their colonisation of The Congo than either Britain or America have been elsewhere. Can't pick a winner here. 0-2
Game 28 - New Zealand win
Game 29 - Brazil v Ivory Coast
V
Brazil will be represented by: Hemingway, Eichmann, "Stranger in a Strange Land"
Ivory Coast will be represented by: Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion
I've never read any Hemingway, never felt the need really. Dylan was the hippy rabbit in The Magic Roundabout and was always going to win this one. 0-1
Brazil were always on a bit of a loser when they drew Adolf Eichmann, as the so called "Architect of the Holocaust" i.e. the man who masterminded the Final Solution, he certainly didn't just suffer from a bad press. I once got so drunk in Berlin that I forgot. That's it, I just forgot. 0-2
I'm not going to do the last one, it would mean pretending that I know what Stranger in a Strange Land is about, or pretending to give a damn about that or the Bay of Pigs. 0-2
Game 29 - Ivory Coast win
I'm Off to See the Bootleg Beatles As the Bootleg Mark Chapman - Day 9 Round-up
Excellent evening game sees Denmark come from behind to overcome Cameroon 2-1.
Friday 18 June 2010
Sturmey Archer, Campagnolo - Yet more games, yet another WC 2010 preview. Oh God make it stop.
V
Netherlands will be represented by: Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Krushchev
Japan will be represented by: Princess Grace, "Peyton Place", trouble in the Suez
Lordy! Brigitte Bardot v Princess Grace. Now there's a wrestling match I'd have paid good money to see. Maybe not now, but back in their time and all that. Can't seperate them I'm afraid (and I'm not sure I'd want to). 1-1
Never been to Budapest, I'm sure it's lovely though, and certainly better than 60's American soap opera Peyton Place, which (and this makes me officially old) I can remember my Nan watching. 2-1
Does anyone really care about Alabama? Does anyone know anything about Alabama? Mind you going up against 'trouble in the Suez'...oh for fucks sake! Ever had what you thought was a really great idea only to find out that it's really total bollocks? I'm getting that now, I get it often half way through DIY projects which is why our house was the only place to ever be blacklisted by Nick 'Fucking' Knowles. 2-1
Game 24 - Netherlands win
Game 25 - Ghana v Australia
V
Ghana will be represented by: Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Australia will be represented by: Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai"
Little Rock is a town in Arkansas, why has Joel included it in his bloody song? Fuck knows, even Wikipedia can't help me there. Sputnik kicked off the space race, it wins because, well because I say so. 0-1
Pasternak wrote Doctor Zhivago, which is reason enough for him to lose straight away (I have no culture), pasternak is also Russian for parsnip, never let it be said this blog isn't an education! Chou En Lai was the first Premier of the Peoples Republic of China, therefore probably very important and all that. 0-2
Mickey Mantle was the thick jobseeker in League of Gentleman wasn't he? Oh no, I'm wrong, he's yet another bloody rounders player, fuck him then. Bridge on the River Kwai was a great film. 0-3
Game 25 - Australia win
Game 26 - Cameroon v Denmark
V
Cameroon will be represented by: Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Denmark will be represented by: Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide
Joel goes all a bit dark here. Lebanon saw hundreds of thousands killed in a bitter civil war, Charles Starkweather killed only eleven people in his two month road trip from hell alongside his 14 year old gilfriend. Starkweather is also the name of a particularly shite thrash metal band, it's not a coincidence. No winners here. 0-0
Charles de Gaulle is an airport. Oh, and also the bloke who ran away to England and then tried to convince all the French he left behind under the Nazi Jackboot to risk their lives and resist, how brave! I was wondering whether to include homicide along with Starkweather but all lyrics websites I have seen put a comma in there so I'll go along with that. Even murder is beter than being French. 0-1
Oh Jesus, more bloody rounders, the man's obsessed. I'll make no jokes about Thalidomide. 0-1
Game 26 - Denmark win
Cafe Bars, Idiots and Pigeons - Englands humiliation - June 18th round-up
Utter bilge. But why anyone actually expected anything else is beyond me.
There were some other games but I'm still too busy picking my jaw off the floor after watching the phenomenally shit Rooney gobbing off at fans who have spent thousands of pounds for having the temerity to boo one of the most inept England performances, well, since the last time we all thought they might for once do something above average in the finals of a major competition.
Anyway, Slovenia and the US drew in a compelling match earlier, which means England's fate is amazingly still in their own hands, and Germany lost to Serbia in the second huge shock in two days.
Okay, who was it?
Runrig With Special Guest Mike Peters - The Rest of Day Eight
VSlovenia will be represented by: Roy hn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, dacron
USA will be represented by: Dien Bien Phu falls, "Rock Around the Clock"
Roy Hn was apparently the commander of the South Korean forces in the Korean war, I think. Or it's just another made up name that makes the line scan, to be honest I'm past caring, I bloody hate this song now. Dien Bien Phu was (shock horror gasp) another French military defeat, this time in Vietnam before the Yanks got there and made it all so much better. 1-0
Juan Peron, as any fule kno, wrote a song about his wife for Julie Covington to warble, Rock Around the Clock is infinitely better obviously. 1-1
Toscanini and Dacron don't get to play, one's an Italian restaurant in Peterborough and one is a thermoplastic polymer with the molecular formula C10H8O4)n.
Game 22 - Draw
And so onto the big one. *why has the writing gone dead small here?*
Game 23 - England v Algeria
VEngland will be represented by: Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Algeria will be represented by: Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Einstein was dead clever and knew lots of stuff, Davy Crockett is only famous for having three ears, a left ear, a right ear and a wild front ear. 1-0
James Dean was not just a careless driver, he also did films and that. Peter Pan is some sort of mythical child abductor. 2-0
Brooklyn's got a winning team? Meh, like I give a fuck about rounders. Elvis Presley inspired a rather good song by Kirsty MacColl (whose last hit was "A Speedboat"). 2-1
Game 23 - England win.
Thursday 17 June 2010
That Is Not How I Would Spell Hawiian - World Cup 2010 June 18th Preview
VGermany will be represented by: Josef Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Serbia will be represented by: Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Again the fates see Germany get to be represented by a dictator that did much to oversee their downfall in WWII, but up against Rockefeller(I assume this is John D.) he wins by sheer evilness alone, JD Rocky was an oil magnate I think, I can't be arsed to look it up! 1-0
Ah! Billy J was spending time in the library (no Wikipedia back then!) there's no other reason why anyone would really know that Georgy Malenkov succeeded Stalin as Supreme Soviet Leader. Now, who the fuck was Campanella? Research leads me to hope he means Roy Campanella who was one of the first black baseball stars, if that is right then he gets the point. 1-1
Nasser??? Fuck knows, I'm not even going to try, in fact I'm coming to the conclusion that Joel is talking a heck of a lot of bollocks in this song. Whatever, he get's wasted by the Communist Bloc anyway. 1-2
Game 21 - Serbia win.
The rest of todays games later, it's getting late!
Nick Fucking Knowles! - WC 2010 17th June round up.
By laughing hysterically at the French for a start, never have I wanted two teams to conspire to draw in my life as I do Uruguay and Mexico to knock the frogs out, no xenophobia, no feigned interest in The Irish Republic, it would just be very, very funny.
Meanwhile Greece overcome a undisciplined Nigeria to keep that group alive as Argentina overwhelm South Korea.
In a Medium Sized Launch Tethered Off Biarritz - PSoBJL France v Mexico
VFrance will be represented by: Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen
Mexico will be represented by: Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye
Eisenhower representing the country whose arse he helped save in WWII, how deliciously ironic. I assume Marciano is Rocky, who was also dead hard. Too close to call this one, both score. 1-1
Can't really argue with vaccines I suppose, bit boring though. Liberace was anything but boring, not to my taste but on flamboyance alone he takes this one. 1-2
Absolutely no idea who or what Santayana is...*looks it up* oh, a philosopher, whoopee fucking do, no idea why he said goodbye either, was our Mr. Joel struggling for lyrics that fitted so early on in the song I wonder? The Queen rocks, so there. 1-3
Game 20 - Mexico win
Cathy Stanisforth's Milk Bank Opens Soon - World Cup 2010 June 17th Preview.
V
And so we continue on with the fantastically exciting Penalty Shoot-out of Billy Joel Lyrics.
Argentina will be represented by: Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
South Korea (and I did NOT plan this ahead!) will be represented by: North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
Joe McCarthy, vehement anti-communist up against North Korea who are somewhat pro-communist! There are a lot of North Koreans mind, and the Chinese quite like them and there are billions of them so - 0-1
It does seem unfair that Argentina get represented by a mere politician whie South Korea get represented by themselves but that's the way the cookie crumbles and hey, don't blame me, blame Billy Joel, he wrote the bloody thing! 0-2
Studebaker made some nice cars (well I assume they did but I know fuck all about cars, go ask Jeremy Kyle or whoever it is does them car programmes that are so inexplicably popular), but ask me to pick between a car and serial shagger Marilyn Monroe and the girl wins every time, even if she did live life like a candle in the wind. 0-3
Game 18 - South Korea win.
Game 19 - Greece v Nigeria
V
Greece will be represented by: Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Nigeria will be represented by: Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"
Rosenbergs? I assume he is on about Julius and Ethel, more bloody communists then. The man's obsessed. The Rosenbergs were convicted and eventually executed for selling details of the atomic bomb to the Russkies. Or our Billy could be bad at spelling and a fan of Norwegian football. Either way they lose against the awesome Marlon Brando. 0-1
The H-bomb obviously refers not to the actual bomb but to the equally destructive Tamworth FC legend Mark Hallam, and as such it's a walkover worth at least double against some musical starring a bald bloke and a load of annoying kids. 2-1
I assume Sugar Ray is meant to be Mr Robinson of that ilk, he was brilliant, one of my childhood heroes in fact. Catcher in the Rye is a load of 'stream of consciousness' pretentious bollocks that everyone pretends they have read so they can look intellectual. I actually have read it and it's wank, 3-1
Game 19 - Greece win
Last game of the day to follow later.
Yonder the Deacon in Misguided Trousers - WC 2010 June 16th Round-up
South Africa got stuffed by Uruguay and are probably going out, it will be interesting to see if the local's enthusiasm keeps up without the hosts being in.
In the other game, Chile looked rather good but could only put one past a poor looking Honduras, something they might regret later on.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
We Didn't Start the Fire - Second round of group matches starts here.
The Penalty Shoot-out of Billy Joel Lyrics.
Here's how it goes, each line of the song We Didn't Start the Fire has several things mentioned, each team gets a line in the order of the song, and the teams will be in the order they appear on the BBC website. I will compare each thing and decide who wins if there is an uneven number of things then only the first three or four count...confused? Well let's take the first game and see how it goes.
Game 17 - South Africa v Uruguay
V
South Africa will be represented by - Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
Uruguay will be represented by - South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
Harry Truman, 33rd president of the United States, succeeded Roosevelt and immediaely fucked over a beleaguered post-war Britain by calling in the war loans, South Pacific is a great musical, even if it did spawn a shit song by Captain Sensible. 0-1
Doris Day, wasn't she lovely? Walter Winchell is attributed with inventing the gossip column, what a twat! 1-1
Red China? I've got some but the missus says we should keep it for best when we get visitors, Joe diMaggio was quite good at rounders, close but... 1-2
Game 17 - Uruguay win.
You Can't Get Teenage Eskimo in Wantage - World Cup 2010 Day. oh fuck it, whatever round-up.
Portugal v Ivory Coast was much anticipated and lived down to all of my expectations, so many teams are scared to lose at this stage.
Brazil beat the commies, as expected, but we all cheered the Korean goal didn't we? Comes to something when the highlight of the first week is a consolation by a team from a country run by a despotic dictator.
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Stevie Nicks Books About Kleptomania - WC 2010 Last round 1 of group games.
V
Hmmm...I like Honduras' white tailed deer, it's a magnificent beast, but would it win against the andean condor? It's speed could be the condor's Albatross.
I'd like to think that it could spear the dive-bombing condor with it's antlers so I'm sticking with that.
Game 15 - Honduras win.
Game 16 - Spain v Switzerland
V Spain, of course, have the bull, although the show their love of this creature by ritually slaughtering them, lovely. But I suppose you'll never break the chain of custom.
Try as I might I could find no national animal for Switzerland, if anyone else can then please go your own way, so they get a cuckoo clock.
Should be over fairly quickly this one!
Game 16 - Spain win.
And that's it for the first round of group games. I'll need a new theme for the last game of the day so keep reading, Don't Stop. Thinking About Tomorrow, I reckon a musical theme is on the cards.
Here's Judie Tzuke to Take Us Up to the News - World Cup 2010 Day 4 Round-up
I did see most of the Italy - Paraguay game and like most people (probably) was hoping that Paraguay could hang on but they didn't.
All a bit boring so far really, but it usually is until it gets down to proper knockout.
Monday 14 June 2010
Quick, Run, Hide, Here Comes Dave Stewart - Day 5 Preview
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We've been here before! North Korea have some winged horsey thing called a chollima, but if you had been attentive you would already know that. Brazil apparently have a macaw, or a parrot, or some other bird, different websites say different things.
I'm sticking with a macaw, and it wins because the winged horse doesn't actually exist. Sweet dreams are made of this.
Game 12 - Brazil win.
Game 13 - Ivory Coast v Portugal
VAh! That's better, a proper animal. Ivory Coast's elephant is nearly as skill as the dolphin, and much bigger. I had problems finding a national animal for Portugal but as the Man o' War is named after the country it will do. It won't win against the elephant though, who am I to disagree?
Game 13 - Ivory Coast win
Game 14 - New Zealand v Slovakia
V
The kiwi really is a crap bird isn't it? I've travelled the World and the seven seas and not seen anything like it. Flightless and just, well, shit. Mind you, Slovakia don't even seem to have a national animal at all, everybody's looking for something but to no avail, they do, however, have a national tree, the linden.
Won't be much action in this fight, the kiwi might eventually die of boredom I suppose.
Game 14 - draw.
Camera Obscura - Lloyd I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken
Sunday 13 June 2010
Your Travelling Army of Synthetic Supporters - WC 2010 Day 4 Preview
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I mean, what the fuck? A mute swan? What sort of national animal is a mute swan? Denmark, bow your heads. On the face of it, a mute swan would stand no chance against a lion, but considering that lions are in no way native to Holland, and I can't think of another animal that could possibly represent Holland (except maybe skunk - geddit!?), Denmark win on authenticity alone.
Game 9 - Denmark win.
Game 10 - Japan v Cameroon
V
A pretty shit contest this. Japan are represented by a green pheasant, for such a proud country that is a really crap national animal. Much research (well okay, five minutes on Google) led me to believe that Cameroon have no national animal but they are called the Indomitable Lions (is there a more pretentious nickname in World football?).
Both crap and so...
Game 10 - Draw
Game 11 - Italy v Paraguay
VWhat makes an Italian wolf so special and different from any other wolf? The fact that I don't know puts it at an instant disadvantage to Paraguay's night monkey.
Game 11 - Paraguay win.