Friday, 19 October 2007

BREAKING NEWS - New FIFA Directive - No More Penalty Shoot-outs.

In a bizarre statement this morning the increasingly hatstand FIFA President Sepp Blatter has stated that from January next year penalty shoot-outs will no longer be used to decide the outcome of International matches. Instead, if scores are level after extra time the match will be decided with a game of "Best Man Dead".

"Everyone remembers this game from when they were a child," Blatter said at a baffled press conference earlier today, "I was Best Man Dead in my street five years in a row, it's a great game of skill and strategy and will provide fantastic entertainment for the crowd, especially if the game has been a dull 0-0 draw. We at FIFA are constantly being told that diving, rolling around and feigning of injury by players is ruining the game, well now we have thought of the ideal way to bring these skills INTO the game in an entertaining and innovative way, I have spoken to Cristiano Ronaldo and Dida already and they are delighted."

The rules of Best Man Dead are simple, each team must nominate a 'machine-gunner' and five players to 'die'. The five players from each side must run from the halfway line towards the 'trench' where the 'machine-gunners' are. The 'machine-gunners' must then 'open fire' by pretending they have a machine gun in their hands and shouting "Dagga dagga dagga dagga dagga", bonus points are awarded for the best machine gun noise.
On hearing the gun the onrushing players must 'die' in the best way they can, this could be a simple clutching of the throat accompanied by a shout of "Ach, I am done for, you go on ahead" or maybe a theatrical leap and a blood-curdling "Aaaaieeeee!!!!!!!!!!!"
The winners will be the team that has died the best according to the judges who will be FIFA accredited referees who will have all done the Best Man Dead judging courses currrently being run by Jeff Winter.

This diagram shows an artist's impression of how Best Man Dead could work.
The winner here is obviously the player second from the left as he has gone the extra mile by chopping his left leg off below the knee.